Time

I love my girls! and I love Kevin! So, what's this got to do with time? Quite a bit actually. I was pondering this morning how it seems I have less time nowadays than when I was a live-in professional. Isn't that interesting? It kind of makes me sad because I feel like even though I live off, I have a heck of a less quality time with Autumn, Abbie and Kevin. Maybe I was thinking of this today because I worked a 12 hour day yesterday; Saturday. Now, admittedly, that's not the norm, and in fact, my supervisor had told me I could leave earlier than that. However, sometimes lately at work, I feel like the overt messages aren't the real messages. There are subvert ones. The reality is that my profession, though its in education, is much more like corporate America than one would imagine. For example, I would like to move up from my position. To do that however, I need to prove myself. To prove myself, I have to ignore the overt messages and pay attention to the subvert messages, which in our department, are clearly, work more non-traditional hours! See, my performance evaluation, which let's face it, is somewhat linked to my advancement, is based on feedback not only from my boss, but from my staff AND my second-line staff and several of the questions speak to my availability and visibility. What's interesting, is that I just put out my own request for feedback to my staff to see how they think I'm doing and to work on any areas for improvement now. The key area for improvement was email efficiency, which interestingly enough, I've worked a lot on. However, some mentioned availability and visibility, supposedly for the RAs. UGH! I don't want to make myself more "visible" at this level, any more than I already am. Not necessarily because I can't stand it, as much as I have other things I'd rather be doing; like spending time with the people I love; see how we've come full-circle?; and spending time on myself. Its begun to feel more and more like the above is an impossible circle to keep in balance.

When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!

Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?

Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.

Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!

And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.

and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.