Let Go and Let God

Okay, so I've seen this bumper sticker hundreds of times and I've always wondered; what the heck is that about? I'm a Christian and still, I did not know what that phrase meant. I mean, sure, I could guess; let God handle it. Well, in my head over the past couple weeks, I've found myself mulling over this saying, though I still have only speculated what that meant. The situation is that work has become so crazy, that I've taken to praying about it; a lot! I've told my friends that I work with that I'm really trying; seriously...every day I think to myself; I'm going to let this go; I'm going to move past this (this being the "crazy" at work) and then BAM! every day something even more insane happens and I'm backing to being confused, frustrated, disillusioned, etc. etc. Its to the point that I've wished recently for LESS work ethic; yes, I said less. I said to my Mom today; why can't I just consider this a job; a series of tasks that need to be completed. Why do I care so much about it? I guess because its my career, but still...that doesn't seem a good enough answer to why I continue to set myself up in this way.

So today hit a new level of insanity. I and my colleagues got scolded and reprimanded by our department leadership; for, in essence, taking initiative. Literally, it was the first time in the six years I've worked here that I saw this person visibly angry; they raised their voice at us, were shaking and made a few generalizations. I felt angry, and I realized, sad and drained; literally exhausted emotionally; over WORK!~ I read my friend Jen's most recent blog and I think; see? there is so much pain and heartbreak in our humanity, so many crosses we need to bear in our personal lives; the lives that really matter and I'm letting myself get worked up and exhausted over this?! I drafted an email today, but didn't send it, to this person who is our leader. I put in it that as a team, we are suffering (each for our own reason) severe morale issues and that we've changed as individuals. I know I've changed. What kills me is that a past colleague as he was leaving a Res Life position with a few weeks notice said to me, "I don't like who I've become here" and I swore then I wouldn't ever let myself get to that point; I'd leave first. Enter the economy and a more established family that is rooted. I can't leave; even though I'm there; I don't like who I've become at work over the past six months. So, that brings me back to my blog title; I can't leave and I don't like who I've become; I WON'T let this happen...

Enter the phrase again: "Let Go Let God". I googled it tonight. As I thought; the phrase is derived from the concept, of not trying to control everything and letting God handle it; easier said than done, but I wonder...if this phrase keeps popping into my head; even if I think its a bit dorky, is there not a point here? When I googled it, I also found the Serenity Prayer listed. Most of us know it, but I certainly don't keep it in my forefront.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

serenity; peace? release from anxiety? to accept the things I cannot change.

Which then brings me to the popular phrase of we can't control the situations that happen to us, but we can control our attitude about them and how we react.

and I realize, I'm letting this craziness that is occurring at work affect my health (I lost 35 pounds a year and a half ago and have gained it all back; I'm on Weight Watchers again), my family, my friends and on and on and on. And completely for something I can't control; other people's perceptions, own insecurities and leadership style.

I can't have a crappy work ethic. I can't not care. I can't control everything, but I can TRY to let it go.

Let Go and Let God...

Her own personality continued...

Autumn has a sense of humor :) Her own.

She lost a tooth yesterday afternoon; one of her last. Anyway, she's going to bed last night and she says to me: "So, do you want to trade the money for the tooth now?"

I laughed for awhile. Then I said, "so, if the tooth fairy wasn't carrying change for a $20 could she visit tomorrow night?" The response: "I guess" (said with a humpf annoyed tone :))

Her Own Person

I had this sudden revelation; Autumn is becoming her own person.

Now, at first glance, you might think I'm a bit crazy or fanatical; how can she JUST be realizing this after almost 10 years? Okay, so yes, all children become their own person as soon as they become aware of the world they've been thrust into and start developing their own little personalities. However, anyone who is a Mom also knows that there's this incredible symbiosis with your children that extends beyond the womb and always will be. However, in the early developmental years, your children often take more of their cues from you; you mannerisms, personality and likes and dislikes. Then, the independent personality, outside of the pieces they "inherit" from each of their parents becomes apparent. This is what I'm realizing is starting to happen and the example that made me realize it is absolutely ridiculous in one way, but in another, really hit home for me.

I was fortunate to get to spend a great deal of time with Autumn in her first 4 years or so. I lived in as an Area Coordinator, and as such, got to use my flexible schedule to do this. When I took my current job, I had much less time with her, but she was growing up too. During my first year out here, in a way to connect and get involved in my community, I volunteered to coach CYO cheerleading at my church; not just one team, oh no! that's not for the brave, I coached two; pee wee (1st-5th grade) and grammar (middle school). Autumn of course wanted to spend time with me so she came to practices and games. They gave her an older uniform that she could wear on the bench and be a "macot" :) We were the angels. She liked to do bench cheers with the girls. My second year, out here in Binghamton, I gave up the grammar coaching because it was a bit too time-consuming and intense and just focused on pee wees. Now Autumn was in Kindergarten, and then CYO Director allowed her to be a full member of the team...with all girls older than her. Somehow, she amazingly held her own. When I look back now in hindsight (which is 20/20 we all know) I had crazy expectations of a 5 year old kindergartener; we had quite a fit competition morning. However, after those two years, she professed a love of all things cheer! :) Aaah, a girl after my own heart! While I certainly wasn't a girly girl growing up...I made my Mom crazy by never wanting to wear dresses...I really loved cheer in middle school and high school and was really into it. So this was a great interest for us to keep connecting with. The fall after that, she went out for Pop Warner cheer, did it for 2 weeks and HATED IT! I let her quit and was secretly disappointed. Yes, it was run like crap and wasn't as advanced as what she was used to in CYO, but it was filled with girls from the local area and was cheer of course. Later that fall, she was all excited for CYO cheer again, but found out the church we were going to, where her Catholic school was, wouldn't allow 1st graders to cheer; she was so disappointed. Then, in both 2nd and 3rd grade, when back at our original church, I offered to "help" coach, but neither time did they have enough girls for a pee wee team. The first time, she was really sad. Then we looked into competitive cheer that was being brought down to the area from Syracuse. She got excited. We got ready to pay BIG money and they decided they didn't have enough interest in the area. She was bummed, but not as sad as CYO. Then in 3rd grade when the CYO cheer interest wasn't there again to form a team, she kind of just shrugged it off.

Meanwhile, to fill the winter months with exercise and an activity, we had joined the Y and Autumn began playing indoor soccer and really liked it. She was now playing town soccer August-October, Y soccer January-March and town soccer May-June. Then she started going to soccer camps; first a morning only town camp, then this past summer, a club camp with 6 hours a day straight of soccer. I remember calling Kevin on the way home her first day and asking him how she was. He said, she loved it, but she's absolutely exhausted!"...YAY Soccer! :) And we did give her more ibuprofen that week than she'd ever had before probably; but despite the fatigue, she really like it. During especially the Y seasons too, I noticed that when she had certain coaches that were a bit harder and pushed her, she performed better and tried harder.

So this fall, she decided to go our for a local competitive/travel soccer club. She "made" the U10 team. Suddenly its been all soccer, all the time! :) Two practices a week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and games on Saturdays with sometimes tournaments on Sundays. And get this, it runs November through June...7 months straight of games! WOW! And she's working with a coach who knows what he's doing and pushes her, but isn't an ass that's trying to live vicariously through their children. And she's making amazing gains and gaining more self-confidence.

So, what does this all have to do with becoming her own person? well, aside from the fact that she could be a case study for a tween :), she first had absolutely NO interest for the first year in even considering cheer. And just this week she made a comment about a friend who couldn't be at Girl Scouts because of cheer practice. Her attitude was that of "whatever", why's cheer so much more important to her. I likened it to her and soccer and she got it, but....said she couldn't stand cheer!

So, that was the epiphany I had of her becoming her own person. Even though that was a close connection for us these past few years, she felt comfortable letting it go, and following what she's interested in . You know what? I didn't play soccer growing up, not even a rec league. I hate missing her games though. I love seeing her do well out there and learn and be proud when she heads the ball and yes, even be proud that she got hit face own by her own keeper's kick and kept going (despite my moment of panic). So even though I'll have a lot to learn over the next few years if she continues advancing in soccer, and even though, I still think cheer is a sport and completey GET why her friend missed Girl Scouts to practice for competition, soccer has become an expression of HER. And while its frightening and sad on one hand, its exhilirating on the other; and I couldn't be prouder that she's becoming HER OWN PERSON.

Time

I love my girls! and I love Kevin! So, what's this got to do with time? Quite a bit actually. I was pondering this morning how it seems I have less time nowadays than when I was a live-in professional. Isn't that interesting? It kind of makes me sad because I feel like even though I live off, I have a heck of a less quality time with Autumn, Abbie and Kevin. Maybe I was thinking of this today because I worked a 12 hour day yesterday; Saturday. Now, admittedly, that's not the norm, and in fact, my supervisor had told me I could leave earlier than that. However, sometimes lately at work, I feel like the overt messages aren't the real messages. There are subvert ones. The reality is that my profession, though its in education, is much more like corporate America than one would imagine. For example, I would like to move up from my position. To do that however, I need to prove myself. To prove myself, I have to ignore the overt messages and pay attention to the subvert messages, which in our department, are clearly, work more non-traditional hours! See, my performance evaluation, which let's face it, is somewhat linked to my advancement, is based on feedback not only from my boss, but from my staff AND my second-line staff and several of the questions speak to my availability and visibility. What's interesting, is that I just put out my own request for feedback to my staff to see how they think I'm doing and to work on any areas for improvement now. The key area for improvement was email efficiency, which interestingly enough, I've worked a lot on. However, some mentioned availability and visibility, supposedly for the RAs. UGH! I don't want to make myself more "visible" at this level, any more than I already am. Not necessarily because I can't stand it, as much as I have other things I'd rather be doing; like spending time with the people I love; see how we've come full-circle?; and spending time on myself. Its begun to feel more and more like the above is an impossible circle to keep in balance.

When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!

Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?

Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.

Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!

And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.

and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.

When and How Did I Become a Soccer Mom?

So, I'm sitting her in the Greater Binghamton Sports Complex, commonly referred to as "the dome". What am I doing there, that would allow me to blog you might ask? Well, I think I'm being a soccer mom. It seemed to happen suddenly, but I'm not sure. When Autumn was three, my friend Tina and I signed her and Hannah (Tina's daughter; the same age) up for soccer at a local indoor soccer facility. It was complete ridiculousness; about 30 kids, ages 3-6...keep in mind that a young three year old and old six year old are miles apart developmentally. It was, as I like to describe it, as organized chaos! Everything was too old for her, but I guess it introduced her to the sport. In fact, the facility shirt they got that year was so big that she is still wearing it with soccer pj bottoms as pjs; how crazy is that? Anyway, she did it that one season and then we moved out to New York.

Our first year in New York, we kind of laid low and just got used to the adjustment. Plus I wasn't aware of any soccer for 4 year olds. Our second year in New York, that fall, Autumn started town rec soccer and seemed to do pretty well at it; though we had to chat about a few shoves and elbows she threw; LOL! That winter she also started cheerleading as I coached and I really thought that was going to end up being her sport. However, in the spring she played soccer again and rolled into fall soccer again as well. The following year she continued in cheer again, but also continued in spring soccer. She continued in fall and spring soccer with the town for two more years or so, but stopped cheering. Then she added winter soccer with the Y. 3 of the 4 coaches she had over the four years were tough and pushed her, which I realized she responded better to...as long as it wasn't me :)

Last year, we considered a local town competitive league, but because it wasn't our town, she decided she wasn't interested. Then this summer she went to a competitive league in our town's soccer camp; 6 hours a day of soccer. She was about dead and her muscles were fatigued, but she learned TONS! So she debated going out for their travel team; but we kept having to wait for their tryouts to be posted and a good friend who refs, mentioned this other local town team we were considering, might be a bit better and less "intense" :) so she tried out and made it.

Suddenly, I found myself at soccer three times a week; two practices and one game. Today, it was their team's turn to have two games in morning; 9:30 and 12. So, I find myself sitting here at the cafe and trying to figure out how we're going to fit in our schedule her first tournament next week, but more importantly, the weekeend long tournament her soccer club is hosting Valentine's Day weekend. Here's the clincher, I'm supposed to REALLY become a soccer Mom and volunteer shifts at concessions, etc., but Kevin is on a retreat and I've got to figure Abbie out and who can watch her; it should be interesting. The odder thing is I've seen Abbie start to play and she seems already like she'll be good. We're actually thinking of starting her in the dome 3/4 year old soccer program this spring. So I'm thinking, how much might I actually be at this place? And then in April, when Autumn's team starts their spring season, they also travel; now THAT should be interesting to manage.

The good I'm hoping will come of this? I'm hoping that I might meet some other Mom's that I can establish a connection with that I'll see on a regular basis; especially as if Autumn keeps this up, she'll stay with the same girls. We'll see. So, minivan, and cleats, and fundraisers and warm ups, AND cold sports domes aside, may there will be a positive to this sudden soccer Mom progression.