So, I've been thinking quite a bit about privilege lately; my privilege, my childrens' privilege and the like. I think what started my more recent pondering is being a Girl Scout leader. Its interesting to realize that your view of privilege, both yours and others, can continue to morph based on your varied experiences. For those of you who haven't really thought about privilege and are wondering WTH I'm talking about, here's the basic concept: when a person that identifies with any particular majority group (race: white, religion: Christian, gender: male, class: upper, sexual orientation: hetero, etc.), one is often born and raised in a society in which they naturally are provided with advantages over their minority group identified peers. What's interesting about considering your privilege is that as you start to learn about it, it shows itself in ways you never even thought about.
Here is the background, or where I'm coming from. I grew up in a predominantly white, christian, upper-middle to upper class suburban town in Massachusetts. My dad completed some college courses as a later age, but never received his degree. My Mom went to nursing school, but dropped out to marry my dad. I guess, while I lived in a more wealthy town, I didn't consider myself wealthy. I didn't get to go on school trips that cost money, I didn't have crazy name brand clothes until later high school and I didn't have my own car. I worked part-time at a grocery store about 10 hours a week and I was active in extra-curriculars. My parents separated between my freshman and sophomore years of high school and my dad "left" (moved away to Maryland) in February of my senior year of high school. There were times my parents struggled, times my dad was doing well, but then suddenly, my dad went bankrupt and I was being raised along with a brother and with my elderly grandmother living with us, by a single mom who worked in a doctor's office (and not as a doctor!). Though we struggled at times, I was afforded the opportunity to attend college. Here's where my privilege comes in; regardless of the fact that my parents struggled, and I was raised by a single mom in high school, I still had the PRIVILEGE of being raised in a white, suburban, wealthy town where high taxes were paid and education was a priority. This means, that naturally, I was educated in a elementary and secondary system that afforded me opportunities; courses taken, choice of courses, teachers and just the ENVIRONMENT I was in, that promoted further education. The funny thing is, as I look back on it now as a higher education administrator AND as a parent, I didn't think twice about it; going to college, I mean. Though my mom struggled, I just assumed I would go to college. Isn't that what everyone was doing? I'd later find out not really; I have plenty of high school classmates who didn't go to college and are doing just lovely thanks :) but more of that is probably based on their privilege regardless of what they chose post-secondary education. However, I digress.
So, I've continued along, EVEN, and I hate to admit this, as a college administrator thinking that attending college has become a "right of passage" for the general American teenager. Again, this is because of my experiences as I went on. So, I attended a preominantly white PRIVATE Catholic (read Christian) college. Again, somehow through student loans, federal loans and grants, 2 years as a RA (which took care of my housing costs) and a modest contribution from my parents (which I am completely appreciative of!), about 1/6 of the cost of my education, I managed to graduate with a degree in Biology and Spanish from a college experience totalling about $60,000. Through my experience as an RA, I learned the value of a true education; that outside of the classroom and as such, decided I wanted to provide this for others. I decided to enter Student Affairs in higher education. So, given a not-so-great economy in the early 90s, and an interest in a field for which there is not undergraduate curriculum preparation, I applied and was accepted into graduate school; again, at a private, preominantly white, predominantly Christian college. Again, I paid for it (and still am!) through student loans ($25K to be exact) and a graduate RD position which provided me with an apartment, a meal plan and a small stiped to live on. From there I went on to my first professional position in higher education at another PRIVATE, but this time in New York, college, that was also a Catholic founded college. From there, I worked at a state college, which allowed me the first experience of working at an institution where primarily working class families sent their children and the impact that such a culture had on the campus environment; especially the concept of "suitcase campus". I then went back to a private college as an Area Coordinator and most recently, find myself back out in New York at a public University. Now, this university is diverse, but there are still a number of wealthy students to attend.
Phew; okay, so enter the other side of my life; that of wife and Mom. I grew up and spend most of my adult life so far, in New England; which is, as much as I absolutely love it, very upper-class and keeping up with the Jones' environment. When I moved out here to New York,
the area I moved to is a very low-cost of living area. For what I would have paid in Massachusetts had we stayed (and been completely HOUSE POOR!) I could live very well-to-do here, but I don't. Kevin and I bought an average home in a small "village". However, here's the thing; there is this weird distinct class line in our village. Usually you live in either an overall well-to-do suburb or area of the city, with a small, lower income area, or the opposite, you live in a less privileged area in a city or rural area with a small, upper income residential base. Not here. There's just this weird, not equal, but more equal than usual divide. So now I have a child in this school system in the 4th grade. My co-leader in Girl Scouts, who is not a mom yet, came with me to my daughter's intermediate school open house (4th-6th grades) to do GS sign ups. She staffed the sign up table while I met with my daughter's teacher and the other parents. At the end she said to me that it was this bizzarre distinct class divide that she noticed, just sitting there, that played out in the parents as well. This clearly carries over into our Girl Scout troop.
So, here we are in Girl Scouts, and with everything from how their parents respond to us, to concerns expressed in private about finances, to the girls' own sharing, the privilege I've come to now recognize my own daughter has (and maybe some of the others) is really apparent. I think about this especially because Girl Scouts is changing their program. Starting this year, they have begun to focus less on the 3 Cs :) Camping, Crafts and Cookies, and more on leadership development for girls and young women, even starting at a younger age. So, naturally privilege comes out when you talk about leadership, and power and opportunity. I don't know that the other girls, even though they're white, have the privilege of already thinking about college because they are in different circumstances where their parents aren't educated, are struggling financially, etc. and don't necessarily have the money for the enrichment that my child does. For example; health insurance. As a state employee, I have a good health insurance plan. Sure its expensive, BUT it does provide lots of coverage, pretty good flexibility and I have the salary in a dual professional career family to afford it. So, when my daughter started struggling in school in third grade, I was able to get the assessments needed AND more easily afford to pay for, once I decided to, put my daughter on medicine to help her with her attention issues. EVEN, with good insurance, this particular medicine, would have cost us close to $600 a year to provide her. So, I have the privilege to provide my daughter with the resources to help her succeed further. Its clear that some of our other scouts, also struggle with learning, behavioral and such issues, who DON'T have the privilege of of these resources. The fact that my daughter has a white, Christian, mother who was herself raised in a upper middle-upper class subrurb where further education was encouraged, provide her with a privilege to have that same scenario, repeated for her, and hence, the privilege grows. She's already at age 9, talking about study abroad in college, and perhaps even high school. Some of the girls that are in her classes and in this troop with her, may very well not even be able to remotely consider the same opportunities even in high school as her. Studying abroad will probably not enter their minds, if college even does. BAM! There goes my thought process of college isn't for everyone and people need to realize that BEFORE they come to college. So, when I talk to them about using their power and for them to seize opportunities, this needs to always be in my mind. What then does my role become beyond being a mom and a troop leader, to help these girls find way to work through their lack of privilege, or even recognize the ways they're more privileged that other girls (all the girls in my troop are white and Christian for example, both of which provide them privileges their black or muslim peers in the same class as them don't have) and still achieve within that.
This is a scary prospect! I read a couple of years ago, for professional devleopment a book called, "White Like Me: Reflections on Race from a Privileged Son". I remember after reading it my eyes being opened dramatically to privilege I hadn't even considered as a white woman (much that I"ve referred to above), but also feeling frustrated at the importance of acting on privilege discrepancies, while recognizing the time and mass effort it will take to make this difference; even this day in age. While he wasn't my candidate, the fact that President Obama is our first black President is a good step. The work to be done is far-reaching still though, even in our own indidvidual ripples! Its given me something to think about as I move forward with this troop of girls.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Let Go and Let God
Okay, so I've seen this bumper sticker hundreds of times and I've always wondered; what the heck is that about? I'm a Christian and still, I did not know what that phrase meant. I mean, sure, I could guess; let God handle it. Well, in my head over the past couple weeks, I've found myself mulling over this saying, though I still have only speculated what that meant. The situation is that work has become so crazy, that I've taken to praying about it; a lot! I've told my friends that I work with that I'm really trying; seriously...every day I think to myself; I'm going to let this go; I'm going to move past this (this being the "crazy" at work) and then BAM! every day something even more insane happens and I'm backing to being confused, frustrated, disillusioned, etc. etc. Its to the point that I've wished recently for LESS work ethic; yes, I said less. I said to my Mom today; why can't I just consider this a job; a series of tasks that need to be completed. Why do I care so much about it? I guess because its my career, but still...that doesn't seem a good enough answer to why I continue to set myself up in this way.
So today hit a new level of insanity. I and my colleagues got scolded and reprimanded by our department leadership; for, in essence, taking initiative. Literally, it was the first time in the six years I've worked here that I saw this person visibly angry; they raised their voice at us, were shaking and made a few generalizations. I felt angry, and I realized, sad and drained; literally exhausted emotionally; over WORK!~ I read my friend Jen's most recent blog and I think; see? there is so much pain and heartbreak in our humanity, so many crosses we need to bear in our personal lives; the lives that really matter and I'm letting myself get worked up and exhausted over this?! I drafted an email today, but didn't send it, to this person who is our leader. I put in it that as a team, we are suffering (each for our own reason) severe morale issues and that we've changed as individuals. I know I've changed. What kills me is that a past colleague as he was leaving a Res Life position with a few weeks notice said to me, "I don't like who I've become here" and I swore then I wouldn't ever let myself get to that point; I'd leave first. Enter the economy and a more established family that is rooted. I can't leave; even though I'm there; I don't like who I've become at work over the past six months. So, that brings me back to my blog title; I can't leave and I don't like who I've become; I WON'T let this happen...
Enter the phrase again: "Let Go Let God". I googled it tonight. As I thought; the phrase is derived from the concept, of not trying to control everything and letting God handle it; easier said than done, but I wonder...if this phrase keeps popping into my head; even if I think its a bit dorky, is there not a point here? When I googled it, I also found the Serenity Prayer listed. Most of us know it, but I certainly don't keep it in my forefront.
Which then brings me to the popular phrase of we can't control the situations that happen to us, but we can control our attitude about them and how we react.
and I realize, I'm letting this craziness that is occurring at work affect my health (I lost 35 pounds a year and a half ago and have gained it all back; I'm on Weight Watchers again), my family, my friends and on and on and on. And completely for something I can't control; other people's perceptions, own insecurities and leadership style.
I can't have a crappy work ethic. I can't not care. I can't control everything, but I can TRY to let it go.
Let Go and Let God...
So today hit a new level of insanity. I and my colleagues got scolded and reprimanded by our department leadership; for, in essence, taking initiative. Literally, it was the first time in the six years I've worked here that I saw this person visibly angry; they raised their voice at us, were shaking and made a few generalizations. I felt angry, and I realized, sad and drained; literally exhausted emotionally; over WORK!~ I read my friend Jen's most recent blog and I think; see? there is so much pain and heartbreak in our humanity, so many crosses we need to bear in our personal lives; the lives that really matter and I'm letting myself get worked up and exhausted over this?! I drafted an email today, but didn't send it, to this person who is our leader. I put in it that as a team, we are suffering (each for our own reason) severe morale issues and that we've changed as individuals. I know I've changed. What kills me is that a past colleague as he was leaving a Res Life position with a few weeks notice said to me, "I don't like who I've become here" and I swore then I wouldn't ever let myself get to that point; I'd leave first. Enter the economy and a more established family that is rooted. I can't leave; even though I'm there; I don't like who I've become at work over the past six months. So, that brings me back to my blog title; I can't leave and I don't like who I've become; I WON'T let this happen...
Enter the phrase again: "Let Go Let God". I googled it tonight. As I thought; the phrase is derived from the concept, of not trying to control everything and letting God handle it; easier said than done, but I wonder...if this phrase keeps popping into my head; even if I think its a bit dorky, is there not a point here? When I googled it, I also found the Serenity Prayer listed. Most of us know it, but I certainly don't keep it in my forefront.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Which then brings me to the popular phrase of we can't control the situations that happen to us, but we can control our attitude about them and how we react.
and I realize, I'm letting this craziness that is occurring at work affect my health (I lost 35 pounds a year and a half ago and have gained it all back; I'm on Weight Watchers again), my family, my friends and on and on and on. And completely for something I can't control; other people's perceptions, own insecurities and leadership style.
I can't have a crappy work ethic. I can't not care. I can't control everything, but I can TRY to let it go.
Let Go and Let God...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Her own personality continued...
Autumn has a sense of humor :) Her own.
She lost a tooth yesterday afternoon; one of her last. Anyway, she's going to bed last night and she says to me: "So, do you want to trade the money for the tooth now?"
I laughed for awhile. Then I said, "so, if the tooth fairy wasn't carrying change for a $20 could she visit tomorrow night?" The response: "I guess" (said with a humpf annoyed tone :))
She lost a tooth yesterday afternoon; one of her last. Anyway, she's going to bed last night and she says to me: "So, do you want to trade the money for the tooth now?"
I laughed for awhile. Then I said, "so, if the tooth fairy wasn't carrying change for a $20 could she visit tomorrow night?" The response: "I guess" (said with a humpf annoyed tone :))
Friday, February 6, 2009
Her Own Person
I had this sudden revelation; Autumn is becoming her own person.
Now, at first glance, you might think I'm a bit crazy or fanatical; how can she JUST be realizing this after almost 10 years? Okay, so yes, all children become their own person as soon as they become aware of the world they've been thrust into and start developing their own little personalities. However, anyone who is a Mom also knows that there's this incredible symbiosis with your children that extends beyond the womb and always will be. However, in the early developmental years, your children often take more of their cues from you; you mannerisms, personality and likes and dislikes. Then, the independent personality, outside of the pieces they "inherit" from each of their parents becomes apparent. This is what I'm realizing is starting to happen and the example that made me realize it is absolutely ridiculous in one way, but in another, really hit home for me.
I was fortunate to get to spend a great deal of time with Autumn in her first 4 years or so. I lived in as an Area Coordinator, and as such, got to use my flexible schedule to do this. When I took my current job, I had much less time with her, but she was growing up too. During my first year out here, in a way to connect and get involved in my community, I volunteered to coach CYO cheerleading at my church; not just one team, oh no! that's not for the brave, I coached two; pee wee (1st-5th grade) and grammar (middle school). Autumn of course wanted to spend time with me so she came to practices and games. They gave her an older uniform that she could wear on the bench and be a "macot" :) We were the angels. She liked to do bench cheers with the girls. My second year, out here in Binghamton, I gave up the grammar coaching because it was a bit too time-consuming and intense and just focused on pee wees. Now Autumn was in Kindergarten, and then CYO Director allowed her to be a full member of the team...with all girls older than her. Somehow, she amazingly held her own. When I look back now in hindsight (which is 20/20 we all know) I had crazy expectations of a 5 year old kindergartener; we had quite a fit competition morning. However, after those two years, she professed a love of all things cheer! :) Aaah, a girl after my own heart! While I certainly wasn't a girly girl growing up...I made my Mom crazy by never wanting to wear dresses...I really loved cheer in middle school and high school and was really into it. So this was a great interest for us to keep connecting with. The fall after that, she went out for Pop Warner cheer, did it for 2 weeks and HATED IT! I let her quit and was secretly disappointed. Yes, it was run like crap and wasn't as advanced as what she was used to in CYO, but it was filled with girls from the local area and was cheer of course. Later that fall, she was all excited for CYO cheer again, but found out the church we were going to, where her Catholic school was, wouldn't allow 1st graders to cheer; she was so disappointed. Then, in both 2nd and 3rd grade, when back at our original church, I offered to "help" coach, but neither time did they have enough girls for a pee wee team. The first time, she was really sad. Then we looked into competitive cheer that was being brought down to the area from Syracuse. She got excited. We got ready to pay BIG money and they decided they didn't have enough interest in the area. She was bummed, but not as sad as CYO. Then in 3rd grade when the CYO cheer interest wasn't there again to form a team, she kind of just shrugged it off.
Meanwhile, to fill the winter months with exercise and an activity, we had joined the Y and Autumn began playing indoor soccer and really liked it. She was now playing town soccer August-October, Y soccer January-March and town soccer May-June. Then she started going to soccer camps; first a morning only town camp, then this past summer, a club camp with 6 hours a day straight of soccer. I remember calling Kevin on the way home her first day and asking him how she was. He said, she loved it, but she's absolutely exhausted!"...YAY Soccer! :) And we did give her more ibuprofen that week than she'd ever had before probably; but despite the fatigue, she really like it. During especially the Y seasons too, I noticed that when she had certain coaches that were a bit harder and pushed her, she performed better and tried harder.
So this fall, she decided to go our for a local competitive/travel soccer club. She "made" the U10 team. Suddenly its been all soccer, all the time! :) Two practices a week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and games on Saturdays with sometimes tournaments on Sundays. And get this, it runs November through June...7 months straight of games! WOW! And she's working with a coach who knows what he's doing and pushes her, but isn't an ass that's trying to live vicariously through their children. And she's making amazing gains and gaining more self-confidence.
So, what does this all have to do with becoming her own person? well, aside from the fact that she could be a case study for a tween :), she first had absolutely NO interest for the first year in even considering cheer. And just this week she made a comment about a friend who couldn't be at Girl Scouts because of cheer practice. Her attitude was that of "whatever", why's cheer so much more important to her. I likened it to her and soccer and she got it, but....said she couldn't stand cheer!
So, that was the epiphany I had of her becoming her own person. Even though that was a close connection for us these past few years, she felt comfortable letting it go, and following what she's interested in . You know what? I didn't play soccer growing up, not even a rec league. I hate missing her games though. I love seeing her do well out there and learn and be proud when she heads the ball and yes, even be proud that she got hit face own by her own keeper's kick and kept going (despite my moment of panic). So even though I'll have a lot to learn over the next few years if she continues advancing in soccer, and even though, I still think cheer is a sport and completey GET why her friend missed Girl Scouts to practice for competition, soccer has become an expression of HER. And while its frightening and sad on one hand, its exhilirating on the other; and I couldn't be prouder that she's becoming HER OWN PERSON.
Now, at first glance, you might think I'm a bit crazy or fanatical; how can she JUST be realizing this after almost 10 years? Okay, so yes, all children become their own person as soon as they become aware of the world they've been thrust into and start developing their own little personalities. However, anyone who is a Mom also knows that there's this incredible symbiosis with your children that extends beyond the womb and always will be. However, in the early developmental years, your children often take more of their cues from you; you mannerisms, personality and likes and dislikes. Then, the independent personality, outside of the pieces they "inherit" from each of their parents becomes apparent. This is what I'm realizing is starting to happen and the example that made me realize it is absolutely ridiculous in one way, but in another, really hit home for me.
I was fortunate to get to spend a great deal of time with Autumn in her first 4 years or so. I lived in as an Area Coordinator, and as such, got to use my flexible schedule to do this. When I took my current job, I had much less time with her, but she was growing up too. During my first year out here, in a way to connect and get involved in my community, I volunteered to coach CYO cheerleading at my church; not just one team, oh no! that's not for the brave, I coached two; pee wee (1st-5th grade) and grammar (middle school). Autumn of course wanted to spend time with me so she came to practices and games. They gave her an older uniform that she could wear on the bench and be a "macot" :) We were the angels. She liked to do bench cheers with the girls. My second year, out here in Binghamton, I gave up the grammar coaching because it was a bit too time-consuming and intense and just focused on pee wees. Now Autumn was in Kindergarten, and then CYO Director allowed her to be a full member of the team...with all girls older than her. Somehow, she amazingly held her own. When I look back now in hindsight (which is 20/20 we all know) I had crazy expectations of a 5 year old kindergartener; we had quite a fit competition morning. However, after those two years, she professed a love of all things cheer! :) Aaah, a girl after my own heart! While I certainly wasn't a girly girl growing up...I made my Mom crazy by never wanting to wear dresses...I really loved cheer in middle school and high school and was really into it. So this was a great interest for us to keep connecting with. The fall after that, she went out for Pop Warner cheer, did it for 2 weeks and HATED IT! I let her quit and was secretly disappointed. Yes, it was run like crap and wasn't as advanced as what she was used to in CYO, but it was filled with girls from the local area and was cheer of course. Later that fall, she was all excited for CYO cheer again, but found out the church we were going to, where her Catholic school was, wouldn't allow 1st graders to cheer; she was so disappointed. Then, in both 2nd and 3rd grade, when back at our original church, I offered to "help" coach, but neither time did they have enough girls for a pee wee team. The first time, she was really sad. Then we looked into competitive cheer that was being brought down to the area from Syracuse. She got excited. We got ready to pay BIG money and they decided they didn't have enough interest in the area. She was bummed, but not as sad as CYO. Then in 3rd grade when the CYO cheer interest wasn't there again to form a team, she kind of just shrugged it off.
Meanwhile, to fill the winter months with exercise and an activity, we had joined the Y and Autumn began playing indoor soccer and really liked it. She was now playing town soccer August-October, Y soccer January-March and town soccer May-June. Then she started going to soccer camps; first a morning only town camp, then this past summer, a club camp with 6 hours a day straight of soccer. I remember calling Kevin on the way home her first day and asking him how she was. He said, she loved it, but she's absolutely exhausted!"...YAY Soccer! :) And we did give her more ibuprofen that week than she'd ever had before probably; but despite the fatigue, she really like it. During especially the Y seasons too, I noticed that when she had certain coaches that were a bit harder and pushed her, she performed better and tried harder.
So this fall, she decided to go our for a local competitive/travel soccer club. She "made" the U10 team. Suddenly its been all soccer, all the time! :) Two practices a week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and games on Saturdays with sometimes tournaments on Sundays. And get this, it runs November through June...7 months straight of games! WOW! And she's working with a coach who knows what he's doing and pushes her, but isn't an ass that's trying to live vicariously through their children. And she's making amazing gains and gaining more self-confidence.
So, what does this all have to do with becoming her own person? well, aside from the fact that she could be a case study for a tween :), she first had absolutely NO interest for the first year in even considering cheer. And just this week she made a comment about a friend who couldn't be at Girl Scouts because of cheer practice. Her attitude was that of "whatever", why's cheer so much more important to her. I likened it to her and soccer and she got it, but....said she couldn't stand cheer!
So, that was the epiphany I had of her becoming her own person. Even though that was a close connection for us these past few years, she felt comfortable letting it go, and following what she's interested in . You know what? I didn't play soccer growing up, not even a rec league. I hate missing her games though. I love seeing her do well out there and learn and be proud when she heads the ball and yes, even be proud that she got hit face own by her own keeper's kick and kept going (despite my moment of panic). So even though I'll have a lot to learn over the next few years if she continues advancing in soccer, and even though, I still think cheer is a sport and completey GET why her friend missed Girl Scouts to practice for competition, soccer has become an expression of HER. And while its frightening and sad on one hand, its exhilirating on the other; and I couldn't be prouder that she's becoming HER OWN PERSON.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Time
I love my girls! and I love Kevin! So, what's this got to do with time? Quite a bit actually. I was pondering this morning how it seems I have less time nowadays than when I was a live-in professional. Isn't that interesting? It kind of makes me sad because I feel like even though I live off, I have a heck of a less quality time with Autumn, Abbie and Kevin. Maybe I was thinking of this today because I worked a 12 hour day yesterday; Saturday. Now, admittedly, that's not the norm, and in fact, my supervisor had told me I could leave earlier than that. However, sometimes lately at work, I feel like the overt messages aren't the real messages. There are subvert ones. The reality is that my profession, though its in education, is much more like corporate America than one would imagine. For example, I would like to move up from my position. To do that however, I need to prove myself. To prove myself, I have to ignore the overt messages and pay attention to the subvert messages, which in our department, are clearly, work more non-traditional hours! See, my performance evaluation, which let's face it, is somewhat linked to my advancement, is based on feedback not only from my boss, but from my staff AND my second-line staff and several of the questions speak to my availability and visibility. What's interesting, is that I just put out my own request for feedback to my staff to see how they think I'm doing and to work on any areas for improvement now. The key area for improvement was email efficiency, which interestingly enough, I've worked a lot on. However, some mentioned availability and visibility, supposedly for the RAs. UGH! I don't want to make myself more "visible" at this level, any more than I already am. Not necessarily because I can't stand it, as much as I have other things I'd rather be doing; like spending time with the people I love; see how we've come full-circle?; and spending time on myself. Its begun to feel more and more like the above is an impossible circle to keep in balance.
When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!
Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?
Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.
Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!
And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.
and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.
When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!
Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?
Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.
Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!
And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.
and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.
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