A Pre-Schooler Meltdown...and no 1st Inservice

So, the husband is in Atlantic City tonight with his company; probably blowing money at the slots...HUMPF! Better not be; my birthday is this weekend.

Anyway, so I was on my own for tonight and tomorrow night with the girls, which would be fine, except that our first RA inservice for the area starts tonight. So, I engaged a sitter; or so I thought. She later decided because she's such a devoted student leader, that she had to go to a hall meeting to guide the underclassmen...note, she no longer lives on campus. So, I'm without a sitter. I decide, okay, it might be tough, but I'll just bring the girls with me to inservice.

SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was reality smacking me upside the head!

So, Abbie, the youngest, started pre-school last week. She loves it! However, Kevin has mentioned and I have to give credit here, he's home with her Monday afternoons and Tuesday-Thursday from 3 on and Fridays all day, that she's giving up her naps; at least on days she in school all day...which is really the worst day because she's the most tired from school wearing her out. She's be getting overtired then right after dinner and just being difficult.

So of course, this would happen again tonight. I'm trying to help Autumn with homework and she's being pretty darn good about it lately; so I'm really, REALLY trying to reinforce that. Abbie is OUT OF CONTROL. She's throwing her my little ponies on Autumn's homework as she's doing it; and Autumn has attention issues with homework as is! Then we try to convince her she can do "homework" like Autumn and "work" like Mommy. Mind you, Mommy's "work" involved flippin' transcribing her life for the next several weeks to a hard copy calendar because her PDA bit the dust. She's told another one is on the way, but not without sufficient guilt of the cost given budget cuts. Anywho, the pretend homework/work, doesn't last long as then, apparently, coloring on your sister's homework is more fun. Autumn then gets mad to which Abbie reacts and in a fit, colors on the carpet (enter little voice in Kristin's head that says...she just can't have crayons unsupervised...in Kevin's voice) during which time, Autumn and I are trying to wrestle the crayon out of Abbie's hand. Abbie has like 4 times outs; some in the time out spot (love seat), some in her room with the gate up out of desperation to help Autumn with her homework. She finally zonks out completely in bed in her room.

Autumn finishes her homework, I get the crayon cleaned up, Kevin calls, I get on the computer for a few minutes. I'm debating about this entire inservice thing. Autumn really wants to go to Friendly's and come into work with me. Abbie's sleeping I say. I go back and forth and ultimately decided to go. We rouse Abbie (barely) from sleep and head out to Friendly's. We get seated quickly and the girls for once, have decided well before the server comes what they want. The food comes reasonably quickly, but its Friendly's, with a 9 and 3 year old, who I'm dragging in to an RA inservice (I'll get to my frustration about this later!); MUST...HAVE...ICE....CREAM! right? So, I specifically say to the server when she comes to take the first plate away, that I'd like to order the ice cream now to go and have the check done immediately. 15 minutes later....

So, now we're running late, Abbie recovered for about 25 minutes in the restaurant, but began whining and squirming toward the end. Now I'm running late, AS THE AD MIND YOU, for an RA inservice, the first of the year with a over-tired, grouchy pre-schooler and an over-tired grouchy self! About a third of the way there during some whining about not being able to see ice cream and noticing that BOTH girls were covered in chocolate and whip cream and Autumn commenting to Abbie, "yup, Mom's stressed"...I felt like responding in Hannah Montana fashion..."YA, THINK?" I pull out the cell and call Bill (my Faculty Master). I tell him, I have guilt, I feel bad, I shouldn't do this, but I can't do THIS...bring too way too tired girls to an RA inservice for by the time I get there, 40 minutes, for get this A GET TO KNOW YOU GAME!!!!

Which brings up to the greater issue why I finally decide enough is enough. I mean really, the best that could be come up with is that? And I have to drive 20 minutes in, to stay an hour, do nothing, but watch people get to know each other and drive 20 minutes home. and so, guilt and all, though supported by Bill who will make my apologies and excuses, I u-turn the car around on the Vestal Parkway and go home.

I give Abbie a bath, my Dad calls. I finally talk to him for the first time in 2 months; sad I know, but true. I do this while simultaneously giving Abbie a bath, getting her out and into her pjs and getting Autumn into the shower. I eventually get both girls to bed, unload and reload the dishwasher, put away the folded laundry from LAST WEEK :) and sort the new laundry that has spontaneously reproduced, email about Girl Scouts, play on facebook, do more laundry and write this blog. And still, 4 hours after the u-turn on the Vestal Parkway, I still feel the guilt.

Am I a bad AD (no of course is the answer)? Will the RAs think I don't care and am not invested (maybe some, others will understand)? Would I hear it if "people" knew? (probably in a passive agressive way)? But in reality, I just needed to make this decision when weighing everything, including it being the first inservice, the topic (completely pointless for me being there and probably thrown together last minute) and my girls' needs (sleep, no stress, baths/showers, and just mommy), that they came first in this case.

And then I think, I sooooo want time off. And I wonder, how does my mentor, Beth, also have two kids (a bit older, but still! only by a few years for one of them), work full-time outside the home as a CHO AND is starting her doctorate. I don't know that I could do it; even 3 years from now when my oldest is her oldest's age. Nope. Maybe 6-7 years from now when I'm her age, I'll be in a different place. Maybe I'll have overcome the Superwoman Blackout Syndrome by then. Maybe I won't be on 10 additional committees on top of my job.

And maybe I won't be on the computer at midnight blogging instead of going to bed...

which makes me think...

its time to not be on the computer and go to bed.

Good night!

When Did I Become a Soccer Mom?

Today apparently.

So, I was telling Wendy today as we entered our first Girl Scout leaders' meeting, I was completely supermom today. I literally, attended her first religion class/parents meeting, went to mass, made lunches, did nap for an hour...THANKFULLY! and then took Autumn to travel soccer try-outs, followed immediately upon getting home by putting a chicken in the oven and then rushing out the door to go to my first girl scout leader meeting in Endwell. Then I came home, ate dinner, gave Abbie a bath, read to her and put her to bed, while also encouraging Autumn to finish her homework reading. Then I tucked Autumn into bed and helped her pick out an outfit for tomorrow....very important these days ya know. It seemed crazy and I thought, how did this happen? I wonder how I'm going to schedule Girl Scout meetings as I won't know if when Autumn's soccer practices are. She has dance on Mondays, Tuesdays are out as I already have a MAJOR conflict with Kevin's new ministry courses which are also on Tuesday nights and my requirement to attend NCC. Wednesdays won't probably work for Wendy as she has a crazy day at work followed by staff meeting. This leaves Thursday and I can only hope that soccer practice then is either on Wednesday or Friday nights. What madness!

Somewhere amidst all of this, I need to find time to work out. I really, really feel so much more sluggish these days and I'm positive my slacking off of workouts is to blame. Thank goodness tomorrow in my FYE class is just their presentations because I'm not sure I can pull myself together for it. Though I do enjoy teaching class only once a week for an hour; much, MUCH more manageable if you ask me.

Now Kevin might not be going on his business trip because of some health issues that are cropping up. I'm not going to lie; I'm a bit freaked out by it, but also trying to stay low-key for his sake. I can only hope its managable; whatever it may be. These are the times when I think; really? Is this all worth it? The madness of pushing it to the extreme at work and home. Its just so different these days than when I was a kid. Activities are so much more structured. In some ways, its so refreshing to watch Abbie just play at her age; the new thing is pretending almost anything is a car she is driving; at least she makes up buckle up :) She's so free in that way.

It makes me think somtimes of how manic life can be; literally, we just go from one activity to the next; which is why finding time to work out stresses me out. I wish I could be more of an early sleeper like Kevin, then maybe I could work out in the morning. I just think, I need these days to work straight through until 5pm to get work done. By the time I get home its 5:30pm and then there's dinner to make, homework to do, baths to take and the addition of some extra-curricular activity on, by November, 3 nights. Add to that Kevin taking these courses on Tuesdays, my having to go back into the office at least 3 times extra a month, plus weekend obligations at work, and gymnastics and soon soccer on Saturdays; its like, when is family time?

I think I agree with my friend Cindy when she says balance doesn't exisit; I really don't think it does. I think you just continuously juggle and switch up your priority for the moment and somehow make it work.

Well, I'm off to chill out for 30 minutes or so, and then try to go to bed for 11pm. Yes, that's my goal; which will give me 6 hours sleep if I get up at 5:30am to work out...which may be a long shot, but we'll see. G'nite!

My First ResLife Mom Blog

So, I don't really know how to start this, other than to share what I was thinking when I created this. I blogged a bit about a year and a half ago while I was actively on Weight Watchers. It was a neat way to chronicle my journey and share with others who were along a similar journey as I. I've found my experience being a work outside the home Mom, in the field of Residential Life, to be its own very unique experience; not only as compared to other Moms working outside of the home full-time, but also as compared to my counterparts in Residential Life who are not Moms. I won't say that the experience is better or worse than any of the others, just different. I've found, that especially recently as I've advanced in the field, that I've really been seeking out more professionally advanced Moms that I can learn from, while also having more and more new professional women look to me for advice. After thinking of all of this, and being spurred to re-try blogging by my friend who is blogging about her doctoral work in Higher Education (YAY Jen!), I created this ResLifeMom blog, where I can share both my Res Life work outside the home and Mom experiences with those who are interested, while simultaneously creating a journal of sorts for myself.

One of the things I said this afternoon to a Resident Director in fact, when we were discussing "leaving your mark" on students, a department or institution, is that I have to work differently than my non-Mom colleagues to leave such a mark, especially as relates to positioning myself for advancement. I've found that I've done this by find a new, unique or creative way to "leave my mark" in my work in a department. The downside to this, I'm realizing more and more, is that when you create this unique "mark", then you often become one of the few to have that skill, area of expertise, interest, etc. and so you're asked to step up more and more in that regard; which, if you're like me, and are type A first born (not that people can't be type A and have other sibling order...oh I know them!), you do, again and again, suddenly you're overwhelmed by the amount of projects, initiatives, etc that you need to continue to excel and produce in, and this defeats the very reason you were creative in the first place...which I believe is because you often can't devote the same hours in time as some of your non-Mom colleagues so your strength becomes uniqueness.

I had this experience today in fact. Last semester, I supervised two residential colleges, while teaching First Year Experience, bidding to host the NEACUHO annual conference and leading a group to develop learning outcomes for our department. It was stressful. I felt like I was just in perpetual motion. I was very much looking foward to being able to focus on only one residential college this semester (though admittedly I miss the extra dinero $$$ :)). Somehow, my life feels almost as manic. As I sat in my one on one with my supervisor today and was a bit scattered, jumping from topic to topic in my responsibilities (another thing that's unlike me), she quietly pushed her one on one notes for me at me. Listed under the section labeled "committees" were the following:

RA Selection AD Mentor, Student Development CommitteeAD Mentor, Learning Community RD Group AD Mentor, Learning Community Review Group Chair, FYE Instructor, Parent Course Instructor, Assistant Director of Greek Life Search Committee, Division of Student Affairs Staff Development Committee, Student Health Advisory Committee, NEACUHO 2009 Annual Conference Chair...and then every so pointedly added was Girl Scout Leader...

Yes, yes, see when you have this personality, in this, as Judith Warner described it in her book: Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, winner-take-all-parenting society, you end up functioning the same way in your Mommy life as you do your professional life; and thus, the addition of Girl Scouts, which I know she was probably thinking, though didn't push me too far by saying, simply after a two-year hiatus replaced the coaching of cheerleading that I did my first two years on the job; my first year coaching both a middle school and elementary team...because that's healthy adjusting to a new job you know...

And I said, hey, that's a personal "committee", I'm entitled to that.

She just looked at me.

Its not good when your friend has also become your supervisor...in a lot of ways.

And so after we both laughed, but at the same time, I recognized that yes, AGAIN, I had taken on too much, we went over them and did come to the conclusion that about half of them would be completed this fall and we further discussed ways I could back off further from others in the Spring to really be able to focus on the NEACUHO conference.

And then after she left, as I was thinking about merging all these timelines (oh, did I mention, I'm the Assistant Director of Residential Life for a residnetial college that my primary job is to manage and doing the staff supervision of?) it occurred to me we forgot one; you know that learnign outcome committee I spearheaded last semester while overseeing two communities? Well, you can't just implement outcomes and then go away; so we'll still be functioning, though not meeting quite as often, for the next year or two.

So, that's where I am. How did I become a case study I wonder? I really, really encourage any young boomer or gen X moms to read that Judith Warner book. It offered me no solutions, but made me realize its not just me, which my other Mom friends, whenever we get together (which is few and far between sadly enough...note our crazy lives) also confirm for me..>thank God! Like tonight, at dance practice for my oldest, I confirmed that I was not the only one whose daughter seemed to be starting emotional puberty now! When my friend indicated that her daughter who is very acadecmically focused at her age, had fits in front of the mirror about how her hair looked at 9 years old, it made me feel so much better about my own 9 year old asking me to buy her Paul Mitchell shampoo at $20 a b0ttle (which I did NOT acquiesce to!) and take her shopping at Aeropostale. So, I thank my dance class Mom friends! We need more us time.

And at that note, I've decided at almost 1am that I'm spent and while I could go on FOREVER about these issues, I really should get to bed. Can I rationalize the hour and a half I fell asleep on the futon though, while the hubby was on the computer? I think I can. Oh well, more to come soon; about my littlest first week at preschool. Stay tuned...