Autumn has a sense of humor :) Her own.
She lost a tooth yesterday afternoon; one of her last. Anyway, she's going to bed last night and she says to me: "So, do you want to trade the money for the tooth now?"
I laughed for awhile. Then I said, "so, if the tooth fairy wasn't carrying change for a $20 could she visit tomorrow night?" The response: "I guess" (said with a humpf annoyed tone :))
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Her Own Person
I had this sudden revelation; Autumn is becoming her own person.
Now, at first glance, you might think I'm a bit crazy or fanatical; how can she JUST be realizing this after almost 10 years? Okay, so yes, all children become their own person as soon as they become aware of the world they've been thrust into and start developing their own little personalities. However, anyone who is a Mom also knows that there's this incredible symbiosis with your children that extends beyond the womb and always will be. However, in the early developmental years, your children often take more of their cues from you; you mannerisms, personality and likes and dislikes. Then, the independent personality, outside of the pieces they "inherit" from each of their parents becomes apparent. This is what I'm realizing is starting to happen and the example that made me realize it is absolutely ridiculous in one way, but in another, really hit home for me.
I was fortunate to get to spend a great deal of time with Autumn in her first 4 years or so. I lived in as an Area Coordinator, and as such, got to use my flexible schedule to do this. When I took my current job, I had much less time with her, but she was growing up too. During my first year out here, in a way to connect and get involved in my community, I volunteered to coach CYO cheerleading at my church; not just one team, oh no! that's not for the brave, I coached two; pee wee (1st-5th grade) and grammar (middle school). Autumn of course wanted to spend time with me so she came to practices and games. They gave her an older uniform that she could wear on the bench and be a "macot" :) We were the angels. She liked to do bench cheers with the girls. My second year, out here in Binghamton, I gave up the grammar coaching because it was a bit too time-consuming and intense and just focused on pee wees. Now Autumn was in Kindergarten, and then CYO Director allowed her to be a full member of the team...with all girls older than her. Somehow, she amazingly held her own. When I look back now in hindsight (which is 20/20 we all know) I had crazy expectations of a 5 year old kindergartener; we had quite a fit competition morning. However, after those two years, she professed a love of all things cheer! :) Aaah, a girl after my own heart! While I certainly wasn't a girly girl growing up...I made my Mom crazy by never wanting to wear dresses...I really loved cheer in middle school and high school and was really into it. So this was a great interest for us to keep connecting with. The fall after that, she went out for Pop Warner cheer, did it for 2 weeks and HATED IT! I let her quit and was secretly disappointed. Yes, it was run like crap and wasn't as advanced as what she was used to in CYO, but it was filled with girls from the local area and was cheer of course. Later that fall, she was all excited for CYO cheer again, but found out the church we were going to, where her Catholic school was, wouldn't allow 1st graders to cheer; she was so disappointed. Then, in both 2nd and 3rd grade, when back at our original church, I offered to "help" coach, but neither time did they have enough girls for a pee wee team. The first time, she was really sad. Then we looked into competitive cheer that was being brought down to the area from Syracuse. She got excited. We got ready to pay BIG money and they decided they didn't have enough interest in the area. She was bummed, but not as sad as CYO. Then in 3rd grade when the CYO cheer interest wasn't there again to form a team, she kind of just shrugged it off.
Meanwhile, to fill the winter months with exercise and an activity, we had joined the Y and Autumn began playing indoor soccer and really liked it. She was now playing town soccer August-October, Y soccer January-March and town soccer May-June. Then she started going to soccer camps; first a morning only town camp, then this past summer, a club camp with 6 hours a day straight of soccer. I remember calling Kevin on the way home her first day and asking him how she was. He said, she loved it, but she's absolutely exhausted!"...YAY Soccer! :) And we did give her more ibuprofen that week than she'd ever had before probably; but despite the fatigue, she really like it. During especially the Y seasons too, I noticed that when she had certain coaches that were a bit harder and pushed her, she performed better and tried harder.
So this fall, she decided to go our for a local competitive/travel soccer club. She "made" the U10 team. Suddenly its been all soccer, all the time! :) Two practices a week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and games on Saturdays with sometimes tournaments on Sundays. And get this, it runs November through June...7 months straight of games! WOW! And she's working with a coach who knows what he's doing and pushes her, but isn't an ass that's trying to live vicariously through their children. And she's making amazing gains and gaining more self-confidence.
So, what does this all have to do with becoming her own person? well, aside from the fact that she could be a case study for a tween :), she first had absolutely NO interest for the first year in even considering cheer. And just this week she made a comment about a friend who couldn't be at Girl Scouts because of cheer practice. Her attitude was that of "whatever", why's cheer so much more important to her. I likened it to her and soccer and she got it, but....said she couldn't stand cheer!
So, that was the epiphany I had of her becoming her own person. Even though that was a close connection for us these past few years, she felt comfortable letting it go, and following what she's interested in . You know what? I didn't play soccer growing up, not even a rec league. I hate missing her games though. I love seeing her do well out there and learn and be proud when she heads the ball and yes, even be proud that she got hit face own by her own keeper's kick and kept going (despite my moment of panic). So even though I'll have a lot to learn over the next few years if she continues advancing in soccer, and even though, I still think cheer is a sport and completey GET why her friend missed Girl Scouts to practice for competition, soccer has become an expression of HER. And while its frightening and sad on one hand, its exhilirating on the other; and I couldn't be prouder that she's becoming HER OWN PERSON.
Now, at first glance, you might think I'm a bit crazy or fanatical; how can she JUST be realizing this after almost 10 years? Okay, so yes, all children become their own person as soon as they become aware of the world they've been thrust into and start developing their own little personalities. However, anyone who is a Mom also knows that there's this incredible symbiosis with your children that extends beyond the womb and always will be. However, in the early developmental years, your children often take more of their cues from you; you mannerisms, personality and likes and dislikes. Then, the independent personality, outside of the pieces they "inherit" from each of their parents becomes apparent. This is what I'm realizing is starting to happen and the example that made me realize it is absolutely ridiculous in one way, but in another, really hit home for me.
I was fortunate to get to spend a great deal of time with Autumn in her first 4 years or so. I lived in as an Area Coordinator, and as such, got to use my flexible schedule to do this. When I took my current job, I had much less time with her, but she was growing up too. During my first year out here, in a way to connect and get involved in my community, I volunteered to coach CYO cheerleading at my church; not just one team, oh no! that's not for the brave, I coached two; pee wee (1st-5th grade) and grammar (middle school). Autumn of course wanted to spend time with me so she came to practices and games. They gave her an older uniform that she could wear on the bench and be a "macot" :) We were the angels. She liked to do bench cheers with the girls. My second year, out here in Binghamton, I gave up the grammar coaching because it was a bit too time-consuming and intense and just focused on pee wees. Now Autumn was in Kindergarten, and then CYO Director allowed her to be a full member of the team...with all girls older than her. Somehow, she amazingly held her own. When I look back now in hindsight (which is 20/20 we all know) I had crazy expectations of a 5 year old kindergartener; we had quite a fit competition morning. However, after those two years, she professed a love of all things cheer! :) Aaah, a girl after my own heart! While I certainly wasn't a girly girl growing up...I made my Mom crazy by never wanting to wear dresses...I really loved cheer in middle school and high school and was really into it. So this was a great interest for us to keep connecting with. The fall after that, she went out for Pop Warner cheer, did it for 2 weeks and HATED IT! I let her quit and was secretly disappointed. Yes, it was run like crap and wasn't as advanced as what she was used to in CYO, but it was filled with girls from the local area and was cheer of course. Later that fall, she was all excited for CYO cheer again, but found out the church we were going to, where her Catholic school was, wouldn't allow 1st graders to cheer; she was so disappointed. Then, in both 2nd and 3rd grade, when back at our original church, I offered to "help" coach, but neither time did they have enough girls for a pee wee team. The first time, she was really sad. Then we looked into competitive cheer that was being brought down to the area from Syracuse. She got excited. We got ready to pay BIG money and they decided they didn't have enough interest in the area. She was bummed, but not as sad as CYO. Then in 3rd grade when the CYO cheer interest wasn't there again to form a team, she kind of just shrugged it off.
Meanwhile, to fill the winter months with exercise and an activity, we had joined the Y and Autumn began playing indoor soccer and really liked it. She was now playing town soccer August-October, Y soccer January-March and town soccer May-June. Then she started going to soccer camps; first a morning only town camp, then this past summer, a club camp with 6 hours a day straight of soccer. I remember calling Kevin on the way home her first day and asking him how she was. He said, she loved it, but she's absolutely exhausted!"...YAY Soccer! :) And we did give her more ibuprofen that week than she'd ever had before probably; but despite the fatigue, she really like it. During especially the Y seasons too, I noticed that when she had certain coaches that were a bit harder and pushed her, she performed better and tried harder.
So this fall, she decided to go our for a local competitive/travel soccer club. She "made" the U10 team. Suddenly its been all soccer, all the time! :) Two practices a week (Tuesday and Wednesday) and games on Saturdays with sometimes tournaments on Sundays. And get this, it runs November through June...7 months straight of games! WOW! And she's working with a coach who knows what he's doing and pushes her, but isn't an ass that's trying to live vicariously through their children. And she's making amazing gains and gaining more self-confidence.
So, what does this all have to do with becoming her own person? well, aside from the fact that she could be a case study for a tween :), she first had absolutely NO interest for the first year in even considering cheer. And just this week she made a comment about a friend who couldn't be at Girl Scouts because of cheer practice. Her attitude was that of "whatever", why's cheer so much more important to her. I likened it to her and soccer and she got it, but....said she couldn't stand cheer!
So, that was the epiphany I had of her becoming her own person. Even though that was a close connection for us these past few years, she felt comfortable letting it go, and following what she's interested in . You know what? I didn't play soccer growing up, not even a rec league. I hate missing her games though. I love seeing her do well out there and learn and be proud when she heads the ball and yes, even be proud that she got hit face own by her own keeper's kick and kept going (despite my moment of panic). So even though I'll have a lot to learn over the next few years if she continues advancing in soccer, and even though, I still think cheer is a sport and completey GET why her friend missed Girl Scouts to practice for competition, soccer has become an expression of HER. And while its frightening and sad on one hand, its exhilirating on the other; and I couldn't be prouder that she's becoming HER OWN PERSON.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Time
I love my girls! and I love Kevin! So, what's this got to do with time? Quite a bit actually. I was pondering this morning how it seems I have less time nowadays than when I was a live-in professional. Isn't that interesting? It kind of makes me sad because I feel like even though I live off, I have a heck of a less quality time with Autumn, Abbie and Kevin. Maybe I was thinking of this today because I worked a 12 hour day yesterday; Saturday. Now, admittedly, that's not the norm, and in fact, my supervisor had told me I could leave earlier than that. However, sometimes lately at work, I feel like the overt messages aren't the real messages. There are subvert ones. The reality is that my profession, though its in education, is much more like corporate America than one would imagine. For example, I would like to move up from my position. To do that however, I need to prove myself. To prove myself, I have to ignore the overt messages and pay attention to the subvert messages, which in our department, are clearly, work more non-traditional hours! See, my performance evaluation, which let's face it, is somewhat linked to my advancement, is based on feedback not only from my boss, but from my staff AND my second-line staff and several of the questions speak to my availability and visibility. What's interesting, is that I just put out my own request for feedback to my staff to see how they think I'm doing and to work on any areas for improvement now. The key area for improvement was email efficiency, which interestingly enough, I've worked a lot on. However, some mentioned availability and visibility, supposedly for the RAs. UGH! I don't want to make myself more "visible" at this level, any more than I already am. Not necessarily because I can't stand it, as much as I have other things I'd rather be doing; like spending time with the people I love; see how we've come full-circle?; and spending time on myself. Its begun to feel more and more like the above is an impossible circle to keep in balance.
When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!
Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?
Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.
Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!
And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.
and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.
When I was a live-in staff member, I had much more flexibility in my schedule. I could take Autumn to a Mom and me gymnastics class, stop by D&D and then take her into daycare. Then I could head back to my apartment, change up, go into work for 5 hours or so, go pick her up, do something fun with her and Kevin and head back home. Later in the evening, after she was in bed, I could go back into work for meetings, programs, etc. Now, not so much!
Now I'm required to work 8:30-5 every day, but prior to that, get Autumn off to school for 7:30am and Abbie somewhat ready for Kevin to take her to pre-school, I leave after work some nights, and somehow between 5 and 8pmish, get dinner, homework, afterschool activities, baths, school communications, etc. all done...not exactly relaxing quality time with the girls, but its the only time I get now, so I take it. However, by the time both the girls are in bed, I'm exhausted (lets keep in mind I'm approaching 40) and the last thing I want to do is exercise (though this is what I desperately need) and so I do the other thing that relaxes me, I read. Then its off to bed to start the grind again. Mind you, this is if I don't' have to go back to campus, a 20 minute drive, for a student government meeting, RA inservice, area tradition, etc. Then, when you add in a probably once a month weekend commitment and everything you need to catch up on during the weekends, when is there time?
Some people would ask why Kevin can't do some of this. He already does. His work schedule is flexible enough that he stays home with Abbie on Monday afternoons and all day Fridays, as well as being home for the girls afterschool (after 3pm) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, the only way I could work out, is if I get up at 5:45-6amish and leave Kevin to manage the girls several days a week so I can work out. Working out in the evening is almost impossible, especially November through April when its cold and dark out.
Part of this with work is also self-inflicted. I have this psycho work-ethic, that I've tried to break and still am working on. I feel the need to be all things to all people and the best I can. There are so many times I wish I was content to just do what needs to be done and no more. Not to do a bad job, but just do a job. While I love my profession; I really do and there's many times where its so fulfilling, I just don't want to do the after hours stuff anymore. I want to work my 8:30-5 and go home; every night. Of course, there's the "seasons" when my job will require more hours, but the every week stuff I am so done with!
And this is why I've been so fixated on this lately, and frankly, I think, not too happy with my work life. Because, the subvert messages, I feel I'm getting, are that in the future, my job will require MORE of this, not less, even though, after this amount of time in my career it should be less. And while this is somewhat of a hallmark of the institution that I work at; student contact, I believe it can be maintained without so much "hands on" time by staff at my level. I think we should be recognizing its time for those staff in entry level and live in positions to be doing this. Somehow though, they're subtly refusing to do so. They're setting limits on their time, refusing to do non-essential job tasks, like the hands on, after hours stuff and still feel they're overworked. WHAT IS THAT? The odder part, is that we as a profession (well, at least where I work) are encouraging it. So maybe I'm resentfully and want them to do their time. Or maybe I just want it recognized that I did mine and that now, my focus and the contributions I can make and should make are different.
and I want time for Autumn. I want time for Abbie; I feel I've missed so much more of her first few years than I did Autumn's. I want time with Kevin and I want time to take care of me. I think I really want to spend "time" (LOL) this year figuring out, how to do this. I'm not sure I'll find the answer in the next year, but maybe I'll be more able to babystep my way towards it. Maybe I'll at least get to the point where I can take a sick day when I feel like crap and not feel like I have to justify it to anyone, but my supervisor. Maybe I'll get to the point that I can take a day off just to spend with Autumn alone, or just to spend with Abbie alone, during their vacation time and not feel bad about my students, my staff, my supervisors, etc. and what they're missing out on, because really, its unfair and frankly, its completely illogical. They're missing out on nothing...but if I continue this way, I am.
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